You Gotta Love Yourself If You Can Ever Love Me
by BethanyChristine
Summary: A story about the path we all must take to love who and what we are, and in that knowledge to embrace the lives we all were meant to have. With the ones we were meant to have them with. Main characters Peyton Sawyer and Lucas Scott.
1. Falling Down And Standing Up

So this story picks up directly after the failed Lucas/Lindsey wedding in 512 ... It is the direction that I wish Peyton would go from that point on (though I wouldn't hold my breath). This first chapter is harsh but I am a diehard Leyton so in my world they will eventually find their way back to each other ... I think :)

* * *

Walking past her bookshelf Peyton stopped and picked up the top copy of an Unkindness Of Ravens and flipping it open to the final page she read aloud ...

_"Suddenly it was as if the roar of the crowd, the echo of the final buzzers, the cheers of my teammates were all sounding from 1,000 miles away, and what remained in that bizarre, muffled silence was only Peyton. The girl whose art, passion, and beauty had changed my life forever. In that moment, my triumph was not a state championship, but simple clarity. The realization that we had always been meant for each other and every instinct to the contrary had simply been a denial of the following truth:__I was now and would always be in love with Peyton Sawyer.__"_

Slamming it shut she snorted through her nose and let the book drop to the floor.

Clarity. Passion. Truth. Love.

Those words echoed around her office bouncing from one side to the other, and reverberating through her brain like tiny knives stabbing straight through her skull going right into the center of all thought and feeling.

Lifting her eyes to the ceiling she spoke aloud to the large empty room ...

"Someone please explain to me how a person can have a triumph of simple clarity that sets their world on it's axis and then proceed to act like the fog had never lifted?"

Feeling her anger and despair rise up like bile in her chest the words went deeper and got louder ...

"And while you're at it tell me how you can find a life changing passion in another person and then look that same person in the eyes and tell them that you've moved on?"

Turning towards the doorway she let her mind remember every word that Lucas had spoken to her since they had stepped back into each others lives after 3 years ...

_"I'm with someone."_

_"He's not good enough for you."_

_"You gave up on me Peyton .. You didn't think I could do it ... Maybe you just didn't care because it wasn't about you."_

_"What the hell is wrong with you? Do you have alarm bells that go off in your head everytime I'm happy with someone else? What do you want from me?"_

_"I'm in love with her Peyton."_

With every memory of every word her heart raced faster, her vision blurred with tears and she swallowed to speak harshly over the lump in her throat ... Still to no one in particular ...

"I'd love to know how two people's steadfast truth can remain a constant, unchanging bond for one and blow away on the breeze in an instant for the other ... "

And as the place where her heart used to reside ached with an unbearable emptiness,she collapsed to her knees on the floor and spoke in nothing louder than a tiny whisper ...

"But more than any of this I need to know how someone can walk away from their true love always and straight into the arms of someone new and untried? And then decide to make that new love your forever love with two simple little words ... "

Finally the sobs overtook her body.

And as the tears flowed unchecked down her pale cheeks she threw back her head of golden curls to look heavenward and speak ... but this time she was speaking directly to him ... from a place deep in her soul ... the one place where the two of them would always be connected ...

And she prayed that he would hear ...

"Here are the words you never gave me the chance to say ... I do, Lucas. I always have. And I always will."

Breathing deeply she lowered her head and looked at her hands clasped tightly in her lap. Almost of their own accord they separated into two tightly clenched fists.

And then it hit her.

Her very own triumph of simple clarity.

Her head lifted, her back straightened and she pulled herself off of her knees to stand erect in the middle of that big empty room.

And she spoke one last time to the boy who had promised her forever ...

"But I don't deserve this and I won't waste another day of my life waiting for you, Lucas Scott.

To hell with love.

And to hell with you too."

* * *

Like I said harsh. I know, I know. But hasn't everyone who's ever been burned by love so cruelly experienced a moment like this? I have and I believe it's a needed reaction. It reaks a bit of denial but it gets you through the initial pain and helps you reach the other side of ultimate self respect and love which is what I want Peyton to find more than anything else at this point. She has to love herself before she can fully love someone else.

And so does Lucas ... Which I will get to, believe me.

Please Read and Review ... It makes me happy! :)


	2. Running Over The Truth

Run.

Just keep running.

Harder. Faster. Deeper. Longer.

The sweat was pouring down Lucas's face and chest. His breathing was hard and labored. His heart was beating faster than was safe for a boy whose most vital organ is flawed.

He was running to forget. Running to numb the pain of the last few weeks of his life. Nevertheless, the harder he ran the foggier his mind got. Lindsey, the stupid comet, his book, love, forgiveness, hate ... Peyton. A million different thoughts just replaying in his mind like a relentless broken record. Tripping and turning over and over and over, never giving him even a moment of rest or release.

Run.

Just keep running.

Run physically. Run emotionally. Run mentally.

It seemed that running was the story of his life. Every chance he got he took the easy way out. At least when it came to love. He would rather turn the other way when the truth within his heart confronts every conviction of his life rather than look it in the eyes and embrace everything that it is and means.

Suddenly he stopped in the early morning twilight and turned to look out at the unending landscape of the sea.

How long could he keep surviving underneath the surface of the storm that was brewing inside his body?

He did not know the answer to that question. He didn't know the answer to any of his questions. Every thought and feeling and idea he'd had for his life and his future had been challenged when Lindsey told him that she couldn't marry him ... Because of Peyton.

It always came back to Peyton.

He could run for years in the opposite direction of where she was and somehow, someway he always ended up full circle ... right back to where he started. With Peyton.

Never had he felt more like he was the moth to her flame. Whenever she was around, her presence consumed him. But not in a sweet, gentle way. In a fiercely burning torrent that ate up everything in him and his life. Including the good things that he had found and built when he had been forced to live without her.

Sometimes he hated it. He hated how much he loved her. Hated that his heart was always pointing him back in her direction. Hated that he could never hide from it the way he desperately wanted to.

Hated himself for never being able to completely let go of her and move on.

Never had he been angrier with himself for his denial.

For his constant running away from the one thing that he needed to stand his ground and fight for.

He could feel the anguish curling up through him, starting in his legs and moving through his chest then up his throat and finally out of his mouth ... "What the hell is wrong with me?" He yelled out to the unhearing ocean.

That was the hardest question of all, because deep down he knew the answer. It was the thing that he hated the most, the thing that he seemed to always be fighting against and always losing to.

Fear.

He was scared.

Scared of wanting someone who didn't want him.

Scared of needing something that he could never have.

Scared of loving with his whole heart and losing both the love and his heart when things go horribly wrong.

He did not know why it was such a battle for him.

But he did know how to stop the war raging within.

It was time to stop running.

* * *

Ah the moment we all must have eventually ... Facing our greatest fears head on. Can Lucas see it through to the conclusion or will he chicken out? Can Peyton follow through on not allowing herself to wait around for the boy who keeps hurting her? Can the boy stop hurting her?

I guess we shall see.

:)

Bethany


	3. The Proposition

Peyton stood behind the stage listening to Mia sing as the final words of her song drifted through the air ...

_**"I've seen your act **_

_**And I know all the facts**_

_**I'm still in love with who I wish you were **_

_**It ain't hard to see**_

_**Who you are underneath**_

_**I'm still in love with who I wish you were**_

_**And I wish you were here."**_

As soon the last chords were strummed the crowd let loose with a scream of overwhelming approval. Mia took her bow and said her thank you's before running off the stage, laughing and tripping over her own feet in her haste to get to Peyton.

"Oh my god Peyton that is the most amazing rush I've ever had in my life! There must be thousands of people out there!"

Mia was speaking so fast in her excitement that Peyton chuckled and said ...

"Four thousand to be roughly exact ... The theatre is packed and from the sounds of it they loved you ... "

Peyton's last words were spoken in a shout as the crowd in the auditorium could be heard shouting for an encore ... Mia may not have been the headliner on the marquee that night but she was certainly someone the crowds couldn't get enough of.

"You better get back out there. Your fans are waiting."

Mia's face broke into a smile as she gave Peyton a quick hug before turning and running back to the stage.

Once Peyton could hear the music starting to play again she closed her eyes and let the words sink in ... Mia always saved Peyton's favorite song for her encore. Neither had ever acknowledged why but both knew that it was a message simply between the two of them. Mia knew what Peyton needed to hear every night and Peyton knew every night exactly what Mia was saying to her ...

_**"Tears are forming in your eyes**_

_**A storm is warning in the sky**_

_**The end of the world it seems**_

_**You bend down and you fall on your knees**_

_**Well get back on your feet yeah**_

_**Don't look away **_

_**Don't run away**_

_**Hey baby it's only life**_

_**Don't lose your faith**_

_**Don't run away**_

_**Hey baby its only life**_

_**Yea it's only life**_

_**You were always playing hard**_

_**Never could let down your guard**_

_**But you can't win**_

_**If you never give in**_

_**To that voice within**_

_**Saying pick up your chin**_

_**Baby let go of it**_

_**Don't look away**_

_**Don't run away**_

_**Hey baby it's only life**_

_**Don't lose your faith**_

_**Don't run away**_

_**Hey baby its only life**_

_**Yea it's only life**_

_**Take your hesitance **_

_**And your self-defense**_

_**Leave them behind, it's only life**_

_**Don't be so afraid **_

_**Of facing everyday**_

_**Just take your time, it's only life**_

_**I'll be your stepping-stone**_

_**No, don't be so alone**_

_**Just hold on tight, it's only life**_

_**Don't look away **_

_**Don't run away**_

_**Hey baby it's only life**_

_**Don't lose your faith**_

_**Don't run away**_

_**Hey baby its only life**_

_**Yea it's only life ... "**_

Peyton was so into the song that she jumped when someone tapped her on the shoulder. Turning she saw a middle aged man in a gray business suit complete with cuff links and tie pin. Trying to keep the smile from her face at what she considered a bit overdressed she looked at him inquiringly ...

"Are you Peyton Sawyer? Of Red Bedroom Records?"

"I am ... And you are?"

"Mason Hart .." He replied while extending his hand out and grasping hers in a firm handshake.

"Nice to meet you Mr. Hart ... Wait a second do you mean Hart as in The Hart Arena? Like the huge stadium we are standing in right now?"

Smiling he nodded his head, "That would be me, Ms. Sawyer .." He said while grinning at her obvious surprise. "I hope you don't mind my introducing myself but you were just standing here all alone and I have been wanting to meet this amazing Label Entrepreneur that I've been hearing so much about ... Only 23 and already on your way to the top of the world. Pretty impressive."

Returning his smile Peyton let her hand drop from his and said, "Well you are one to talk Mr. Hart ... If I'm not mistaken you've built quite a little nest egg for yourself ya know with that whole multi what is it million? Or billion dollar? Software company of yours ... "

Mason waved his hand in the air with a nonchalant gesture as if to say "It was nothing really" and somehow Peyton thought that was exactly what he was saying. Billions of dollars apparently were like the tip of the iceberg for this guy.

"First of all Ms. Sawyer please call me Mason ... Second of all I have a proposition for you."

"A proposition? I'm not that kind of girl Mr. Hart .. " She said with a twinkle in her eye knowing that wasn't what he had meant at all.

"My father was Mr. Hart, Peyton. And as beautiful as you may be and as attracted as I may be to that beauty, my thoughts are centered in a different arena. For now at least." He said with the charming brogue of a true southern man and a whimsical crook in his lifted eyebrow. He continued ..

"Like I was saying ... I am very impressed with what you have been able to accomplish with the little bit that you had to start with and you are now standing in the viable proof of my honest commitment to give other people the opportunities to achieve their dreams in the biggest way possible."

Peyton's face must have shown her confusion because he rushed on to get to his point,

" Look I'm using alot of words to say that the only reason I came here tonight was to confirm all the suspicions I had about you. And everyone of them are true. You are focused, driven, dedicated and real. You are obviously going to make it whether you take what I have to offer or not ... But the honest truth is that I love to help people reach their dreams in life. Especially when it is someone who has a real passion and love for what they are doing ...

I see all of that in you Peyton and I want to give you the opportunity to turn your record label into an international success."

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean ... " Peyton stuttered under the weight of her shock.

"You know exactly what I mean ... I'm willing to invest as much money in your label as it needs to make it as big as you want it to be ... Let me be a silent investor in your company and together we can bring talent like Mia's and all the other struggling singers and songwriters to the worldwide masses. That is what you want isn't it? To change people's world with music that means something? Music that has a heart and soul? If you have those kind of aspirations than surely having the ability to touch millions of people around the globe would be irresistible."

"Irresistible? Yeah. But at what cost, Mr. Hart? I have no intentions of compromising my integrity in order to achieve my dreams. When I get there it is going to be with my dignity intact. I've found these past few months that sometimes those are the only things you have left when everything else has abandoned you and if you are willing to throw them away for fame or fortune than someone should take you out back and shoot you."

Laughing Mason looked at her .. "I knew you had it in you Peyton .. That fire is what I love to see in others because I have so much of it in myself. Let me assure you that I would never want something from you that you felt you couldn't give. I truly want to do this because I have done my homework on you and I believe in what you want to accomplish. I find your story to be one of inspiration and grace. And mostly I want to do this because many times in my life music has been the thing that lifted me up when I thought that I could never stand again. I may be a self made man but I struggle just like everyone else and there would be no special music to get me through if it weren't for people like you who truly believe in the power that a simple song can have on someone's life. "

Pulling a business card out of his pocket he put it into her hand and said .. "You don't have to answer me now ... Just think about it and let me know .. " And with a slight tap under her chin with his index finger he turned and walked away.

Calling out to him before he disappeared she said "Mr. Hart?"

He turned around expectantly ...

"Please call me Ms. Sawyer ..."

With a secret smile of amusement on her face she turned and walked out to the sound of his booming laughter.

* * *

Peyton had allot of time to think on her 4 hour drive back to Tree Hill. She could choose to go global and risk losing the innocence and fun of what she loved so much ... Or she could choose to stay small and spend the rest of her life wondering what she might have been able to do with that kind of reach on the world.

She didn't have to decide right now. That was the beauty of being her own person and her own boss. Everything in her life answered to her. She didn't have to ask permission to do what she wanted. It was truly the most freeing realization of her life. She was finding fulfillment and satisfaction in places that she had never dreamed of looking. For the first time everything good was her own making and coming from a space deep within her.

She realized that all of her dreams were really coming true and then she realized that no one was standing next to her as it happened.

And yet somehow that made the reality so much more precious to her. She had always pinned her hope for happiness on Lucas. Always believed that any chance of a good life could only be if he was a part of it.

But here she was having the time of her life and taking on every new day with a vigor that she had never experienced before. And he was no where in sight.

Peyton's smile slowly turned to a chuckle in the back of her throat and before she knew it she was shouting with a laughter of pure joy.

Turning the radio up as loud as it would go she put her foot on the gas and let the wind blow through her hair as she drove down that lonely dark interstate while she reveled in the release she felt from years worth of those constricting beliefs.

It was the first time she had ever been truly happy all by herself.

* * *

I have no commentary tonight ... The show has just worn out my emotions ... so please review cause all feedback is appreciated and encouraging!

Which is why I wanted to give a shout out to all those who reviewed my first two chapters: Creativelyyourz, lukenpeyton4ever, leyton-equals-truelovealways, othnaleyfan4, jamyj30 and jordanfan360!!

Thank you all so much for your reviews ... it means the world to me!!

Bethany :)

PS. All song credit goes to Kate Voegle AKA Mia Catalono ... The sonsg are Wish You Were Here and It's Only Life.


	4. Closure

It was so good to be back, Lucas thought, as he breathed the spring air in Tree Hill.

It was full of the scents of honeysuckle and salt.

He could hear the bees buzzing and the birds chirping as he walked onto his front porch and set his bags down to unlock the door.

The first thing he noticed as he went inside was all the mail piled on the foyer table. Obviously Haley had been by to take care of things while he'd been gone.

He put his keys down and shuffled through some of the mail to see if there was anything urgent. Nothing jumped out at him so he moved further into the house carrying his bags and turned slowly into his bedroom.

The last time he had stood in this doorway he had been looking at Lindsey as she sat on the bed they had shared for almost two years and read his own damning words back to him. He hadn't said much to defend himself. There just wasn't anything to say. He had never spoken the words aloud but even in his moments of greatest denial he had always known that his second book was more of a sequel to his first than it appeared to the casual reader.

He might appear stupid to onlookers because he continued to deny it, but the first words of that book hadn't been written until Peyton had given him the first true Peyton smile he had laid his eyes on in three full years. His fingers had never itched to write more than when she told him that his art mattered. That it was what had brought her back home to him.

Her's was the face that he spent hours staring off into space thinking about as he carefully chose every word to describe the feelings of that "scientist" and his "comet."

So of course he knew the damn book was about her. For her. Because of her. Every bit of it was wrapped up IN her.

Shaking off those thoughts Lucas put his bags on the floor and quickly unpacked. He had places to go and people to see but he wanted to be clean and well pressed before he did that. Maybe the better he smelled the more willing she would be to see him. Speak to him.

Forgive him.

Snorting self deprecatingly at his bizarre musings he started to strip out of his travel weary clothes and headed towards the bathroom.

* * *

Peyton dropped her purse on the desk in her office and started unbuttoning her blouse. It was so hot in the building because they were doing maintenance on the air conditioning units. She thought about complaining to her landlord. And then she thought about her landlord (well technically the landlords son). Then she got even hotter.

She laughed at herself. Stopping for a moment she considered the fact that lately she seemed to be doing allot of that.

Laughing. It felt so good to just be free of all the baggage that she'd carried around for years.

And in realizing that though the love she felt for that man would never fade she could find peace in acceptance and letting go of all the pain and regrets. Whatever happened from here on out would be on a slate wiped clean.

Hearing footsteps on the stairs she turned to see Haley approaching carrying a sheet of music. Her new artist seemed to be in good spirits over something.

"Hey Peyton!" Haley burst out with a smile.

"Hey there Haley Sunshine." Peyton said in her slow sarcastic trade mark tone.

Haley chuckled .. "I know, I know. I feel I'm around like bouncing like a little kid and saying 'Guess what?' " Haley said in her best imitation of a 5 year old.

"But seriously, Peyton. Guess what?"

"Um, What?"

"Well first of all I have written a song that I think may be the best I've ever done ... " Peyton interrupted with a "That's great Hales ..." and Haley continued to talk over her ..

"But my really big 'guess what' is that Lucas is finally back in town, and before you say you don't care and that this isn't high school anymore, let me just say that if I didn't have good reason to, than I would not be excitedly telling you this."

Haley only stopped talking because she'd run out of breath but now she looked at Peyton with a gleam in her chocolate brown eyes just daring her to respond in any way similar to what she had already mentioned.

Peyton just smiled serenely and said ..

"That's awesome Haley. How's he doing?"

"Actually he sounds really good Peyton. Almost like the Lucas that he used to be all those years ago. Ya know the real Lucas who put his heart into everything and tried never to hurt the ones he loved the most."

Peyton could tell that Haley knew something and was just itching to say it but for some reason she wasn't going to.

"Look Peyton I know you've been throwing yourself into your work and that you have really seemed to heal and move on from all the pain and that's awesome. I also know that whatever happens you're gonna be okay. And I think that Lucas is gonna be okay. In fact I think that both of you are going to be better than okay."

Haley finished with a mischievous smile and after setting her new song down on Peyton's desk she turned and walked out leaving Peyton in confusion.

* * *

Lucas stood outside her office trying to gather his thoughts for the conversation that was to come. Facing your biggest mistakes and trying to make them right was always hard. But when it involved people that you cared for deeply it was like standing in front of a firing squad waiting for death.

Gathering his courage he knocked on the door and a voice inside said "Come in."

Opening the door and stepping into the office he stood waiting for the girl behind the desk to look up at him. When she didn't he spoke ...

"Lindsey?"

Startled she jumped and turned to see the man that she had been about to marry looking at her.

"Lucas ... What are you doing here?"

His heart was beating fast and his mouth went dry ... How could he say what he needed to say to her and not make it seem like everything else had been a lie?

"I, uh, I think we need to talk Lindsey. Actually I need to talk and you just ... well just please listen to me."

Seeing the paleness in his face and hearing the slight tremor in his voice she motioned for him to sit.

"I'm listening." She said calmly and with as much dignity as she could muster.

Taking a seat across from her he took another moment to breathe and then he looked deep into her eyes and spoke from his heart.

"First I need you know how sorry I am. I never meant for you to be hurt in any way ... "

She interrupted "Lucas you don't have to .."

Stopping her with a quick motion of the hand he said ...

"Yes I do Lindsey. I made a lot of mistakes and you were directly hurt because of them. I was stupid and selfish and I have no excuse for what I've done. But I need you to know that I do love you and that you made the last couple of years so wonderful. You are compassionate and loving and open and real. There are so many things about you that touched me and still do."

Lindsey felt the tears welling up in her eyes and she wished that she didn't already know what was coming.

"But I'm not lying to myself anymore and I know that you deserve to know the truth ... About everything. I can't take back what I've done to all the people that I love but at least I can accept responsibility for my actions."

She just looked at him letting his words hang in the air between them. Lucas had never found it this difficult to get to the point in his entire life.

"Alright I'm just going to say it. You were right. About all of it. I love Peyton. And my second book was about her. And I've spent every second since she came back into town trying to run away from the truth and my feelings. I'm still trying to figure out why exactly, but I know that I loved you and I was committed to you. And I did not want to hurt you. But I know now that I was wrong. I should have just been honest with you and with myself as soon as I realized that I was still ... "

Lucas just couldn't bring himself to say it to her it was so hard to tell her that he had never loved her the way that he loved Peyton.

"Lucas .." She said softly and he looked up at her face.

"I know. I think I've always known that we would never have what you two had. I guess I just didn't want to admit it because ... well if we're being honest here it was because I wanted to be to you what she had been. I wanted to be loved that way. So pure and deep. The first time I ever read your manuscript I sensed that Lucas and Peyton were the kind of love that belonged in legend. And I was rooting for them. But when you walked into my life I started to think that maybe, just maybe, we could make that legend instead.

So yes Lucas you were to blame for a lot of the things that happened including stopping me with a marriage proposal when I had finally gathered enough courage to walk away. But I am just as much to blame because I knew it. I knew that you still loved her and I knew that I was the safe choice. But I still said yes and I stayed when I should have gone ..."

"I'm sorry Lindsey. I'm so sorry." Lucas said letting all of his shame and regret show in his eyes.

"It's done Lucas. I don't regret loving you and I will probably always miss you just a little. But I accepted on that altar that Peyton was the one that should be standing there with you. Not me. So believe me when I say that I forgive you. With all my heart, I forgive you."

"You know you're gonna find it someday right? Your soul mate, he's out there somewhere and he's going to thank god everyday for you when he finally finds you."

"You mean the same way you thank him for her?"

Ducking his head shyly he found that he couldn't look at her as he replied ... "I thank him for both of you."

And with that he turned and walked out of her office. And, Lindsey realized, out of her life forever.

But that was okay because even if he did thank God for her, she had no doubts that she was never mentioned first.

And she deserved more than that.

* * *

Whew ... I know there's allot of Lindsey in here and I don't even like her but I thought that it was impotant for Lucas to close one chapter completely before he opened another one.

Hopefully it wasn't too horrible!!

Thanks for reading!

Bethany


	5. What's really going on below

Peyton held the phone to her ear and listened intently as it rang.

The voice that answered was strong and assured. She liked that about him,

"Mason Hart."

"Hey Mr. Hart this is Peyton Sawyer .." Peyton didn't even try to project anything but nervous and excited energy. Why pretend to be something she wasn't?

"My dear Miss Sawyer ... I was hoping I would hear from you." Mason said through the line and Peyton could hear the smile in his tone. Obviously he didn't believe in being anything other than himself as well. Somehow that made her feel even better about the decision she had made.

"Yeah well I think you thought your offer was to good to pass up."

"Indeed I did, Darlin'. I take that to mean that you accept?"

"I do. With a few conditions. I retain all decision making capabilities. I refuse to have to go to you for approval of anything other than the deal breakers. Also I still intend to run my label from my home base here in Tree Hill. And last but not least I retain controlling interest in my company."

Peyton had laid all her cards on the table and she held her breath while she waited for his response. He didn't even hesitate.

"Alright."

Peyton was incredulous, "Alright? That's it?"

He chuckled a little and Peyton heard that southern drawl become a little more pronounced, "Yeah alright. It's a deal. I'm more than willing to play things your way Ms. Sawyer. I never expected anything less from you. Now I'll have my lawyers draw up the legal documents right away. How fast can you and your lawyer get up here to Manhattan so that we can settle this and get to the business of making music?"

Still a little shocked she stammered out that she'd leave on the next plane she could catch.

Putting the phone back down on the hook she let her heart have a little race with her mind as she contemplated all the possibilities that now lay before her. She couldn't wait to get started.

So lost was she in her thoughts that she never noticed Lucas standing in her doorway.

* * *

He had come around the corner just as she was hanging up the phone. He could see the excitement and bewilderment on her face and he wondered what was going on.

But then his thoughts were distracted as he took in the sight of the woman he could finally admit he was still in love with. And he felt like he a was blind man who had just regained sight. Her honey blonde hair and deep green eyes had never been more vivid.

And then she stood up from her desk and walked over to look out of the window and his breath caught in the back of his throat as his eyes followed the contours of her legs. From her thighs down to her ankles and back up again.

Oh how he had missed those legs.

Sometimes he still dreamed of them.

Whether they were wrapped around his body or simply just walking in step with his own, somehow, someway they remained in his subconscious.

Never had another pair existed that could even begin to compete.

Realizing that he had been staring he cleared his throat to get her attention.

* * *

Jumping at a sound behind her Peyton turned and felt like she had walked face first into a brick wall.

Taking in the sight of his scruffy face and twinkly blue eyes she took a deep breath and stopped herself from running into his arms. No matter how much progress she made this man always provoked that instantaneous reaction from her.

They stood with their eyes locked in silence for another moment before finally Lucas broke the stare by ducking his head to look her over one more time. Moving his eyes down her body and finally back up again to her eyes.

"Well Peyton Sawyer if you aren't a sight for sore eyes."

Peyton felt the tension in her neck tighten into a knot and her comfort level dropped another notch. Was he flirting with her? Why was he here NOW after all this time? Was he smiling at her? And last but not least: Was he flirting with her??

Feeling angry with herself for falling back into that old Peyton/Lucas pattern she let her shoulders relax and she smiled genuinely at him.

"Well if it isn't Lucas Scott the globe trotter. You got quite a nice color going on there Luke. Sure you didn't make a pit stop at the fake tan place on your way here?"

She was trying to flirt back at him he realized but he could tell that she was uncomfortable and he had only himself to blame for that.

Silence had fallen once again and this time Lucas knew he could not make light of what had passed between them. It was time to face it all head on.

They spoke at the same time ..

"Peyton .."

"Lucas ..."

Looking at each other they both recognized the words in the others eyes. Now was the moment that had been way to long in the making.

Lucas conceded, "You go first, I can wait."

Peyton shook her head and turned to walk back to the chair behind her desk, "No that's ok Luke you came to see me. Go ahead."

Sitting down she motioned for him to take a seat and he did. And then almost immediately he stood back up again. He needed to be standing for this one.

Peyton watched him through eyes trying desperately to remain distant and impartial but failing miserably.

Standing behind the chair he had just vacated he looked at the ceiling and then the wall behind her and then he forced himself to look directly into her eyes.

And then finally the dam just broke.

"Peyton I know that there are no words that can explain what or why I've done what I've done. Hell half the time I don't even know why myself. All I know is that when I left you in that hotel room three years ago I was so heartbroken that I thought I would never love anyone ever again. I thought that I had lost you forever. And then I went to New York and I saw Brooke and she told me that I should just give you some time and space. That I should work on being the best writer and person that I could be and then after a year if you came back to me than I would know that it was meant to be.

So I did that Peyton. I waited for you. I worked my ass off editing my book to make it as perfect for you as I could. I wanted so desperately to make you proud of me. I woke up every morning and looked at my calendar to count the days until I could talk to you again. And finally my book was done and I was going to be in the same place as you were for the first time in a year. And when I called you that day to ask you to come to my book signing I was so nervous. I thought 'What if she doesn't answer? Or what if she says 'Lucas who'? Or worst yet what if she says that she hates me for leaving and that she never wants to see me again?' And then I heard your voice on the other end of the line and I swear the room spun around me and I felt like I had started breathing again for the first time in ages. And better yet you sounded happy to hear from me and you said that you would be there. When I hung up that phone I swear I couldn't stop smiling for days. "

Breaking off for a moment as his memories over took his mind he took a few steps closer to her so that now he was standing right in front of her desk and she was looking up into his face with eyes that were wide with emotion.

"But then I was there and you never came. I watched for you. I searched every face that walked through the door for six hours straight as I spoke with dozens of people and signed book after book. And when each face wasn't yours I felt the crack in my heart get a little bigger. It was almost like I was standing outside of myself watching my body walk around without a soul. Devoid of all emotion and feeling completely numb, I started looking for a way out of all the pain. Lindsey was there. And it just kind of happened. That night was our first date. I only said yes to her because I thought that you hadn't come."

Feeling the lump rise in his throat at the thought of what could have been he stopped speaking and looked intently into Peyton's eyes. Seeing the tears shining brightly there, just on the verge of spilling over, he walked around her desk and, kneeling down beside her, he turned the chair so that they were eye to eye and nose to nose.

Peyton's breathing had become shallow and sporadic as she fought off the onslaught of mixed up emotions that were threatening to drown her. Looking into his eyes she whispered so softly that he had to strain to hear her words ...

"But I was there." And then almost brokenly, " I was there."

He couldn't stop himself from touching her. Putting his hands into her hair he gently brought her head forward so that her forehead was touching his and his hands were on either side of her neck.

"Had I known then that you were there Peyton, Lindsey would have never been anything more than my editor."

Holding her face tenderly in his hands he brought their eyes level once more, "Never for one moment in the past three years have I ever stopped loving you, Peyton."

And suddenly she froze.

Breaking eye contact she pushed his hands away from her head and stood up forcing him to stand with her.

"I'm sorry Lucas ... Actually wait a second, No I'm not sorry. I have nothing to be sorry for. Here's the deal. I came back here and you were with Lindsey. I told you the truth about everything that happened. I put my heart and soul on the line for you and you chose her. You had a chance to make this, us, right and you didn't. Instead you kissed me and than asked her to marry you with MY engagement ring, you looked me in the eyes and told me that you were in love with her. You said that our story was over and you watched me walk away. And then you walked into that church and told her that you would love and cherish HER forever."

Her voice caught and for a moment she couldn't speak as the tears finally broke free. This moment had been a long time in coming for both of them and she had plenty more to say ... Even if it was going to be said through the tears.

"Now I've dealt with this and I'm trying hard not to be bitter or get angry with you because that's childish, but you have to realize that at some point in your life Lucas you're gonna have to stand up and be a man. You have to stop hiding and denying your real feelings just because your afraid of being hurt. Hell I've been hurt so many times that my heart should be better guarded than freaking Fort Knox. And yet I still took a chance and put it all on the line for you because I knew that our love was worth the risk. That much I have always known."

Turning her back so that she was facing the window she wiped her eyes, drew in a deep breath and finished in a strong, clear voice,

"But I am so sick of being the one who is constantly standing on the outside looking in. I did it twice with Brooke and now I've done it to the extreme with Lindsey and I finally realize that there is a difference between taking a chance and committing emotional suicide."

Lucas had stood perfectly still while Peyton had said her piece, taking in every word and watching as every tear slid slowly down her pale face. He couldn't refute her logic because it was all true. Nor did he want to because it was how she felt.

Starting slowly he moved smoothly across the room to where she had taken herself during her speech. Her back was still to him and he came upon her so quickly that she never heard him approaching. She could feel the heat radiating off his body, he was so close that her back was touching his chest. Despite her words she still had to fight the urge to lean back into his warmth.

They stood that way for long moments. Neither spoke. They both just gazed out of the window, each lost in their own thoughts. And yet even when at an obvious impasse they still managed to gain strength from their closeness.

When the moment had passed Lucas backed away and waited for her to turn around.

It took her a moment to gain the energy but when she did finally turn to face him she couldn't believe what she saw. His face was stained with the tracks of his own tears and his eyes were red from the realization of the extent of the pain that he had caused her. Choosing his words carefully he spoke, soft and slow.

"I get it, Peyton. I need you to know that hurting you these past few months was the same as hurting myself. Every word I spoke was in an effort to convince myself of their truth just as much as they were meant to convince you of it. It was just that I never expected to still feel this for you after all these years and when you came back I realized that this thing between us was stronger now than it had ever been before. And it scared me to death, because I realized that every moment of my life that I had spent away from you had been a complete lie. I know that saying 'Things got complicated' doesn't cut it but they did. And I didn't want to hurt Lindsey."

At hearing this Peyton's edges had finally been rubbed too raw and she couldn't stop herself from blurting, "So you chose to hurt me instead?"

"I never looked at it that way Peyton. Lindsey was in this because of me. I put her into the middle of us and so I was responsible for keeping my commitment to her."

"What about your commitment to me Lucas? You remember the one right? When you told me that you would wait for me forever if you had to? Why does everyone else always come first in your life accept me? I refuse to do this anymore Luke. I deserve to be number one and for everyone and everything else in your life to be a distant second. I see now that that is not asking too much and I won't settle for anything less."

"Peyton you can't say that I never put you first. I've loved you more than anything else for most of my life. What more can I say?"

Peyton just looked at him with fire in her eyes and then she realized that time was speeding by and she had somewhere to be.

"Lucas I'm sorry but I have a plane to catch we'll have to finish this some other time."

And grabbing her purse she walked out of the door, leaving Lucas behind to finally realize that the damage he'd done was far greater than any words could undo.

He was going to have to prove it.

Slowly the dimples in his cheeks appeared and his smile lit up his entire face as his mind raced with his next step.

Never had he been more up to a challenge in his entire life.

* * *

I know this is super super long folks so if you have made it this far than thanks for sticking with me! I adore you for it!! I had intended for this to be something else completely but once I got into the confrontation I just could not stop until all of my issues with this story and the characters (and heck even a little bit of my frustration with my own affairs) was kind of at least mentioned and put on the table. I wanted both sides told because I can see both sides (even though I am not impartial on this one). Plus after tonights show I needed an outlet bigtime. So anyway I wish I had the energy to mention everyone who reviewed my last chapter but I'm too lazy right now. So let me just say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! I loved them so much and I really hope to hear from you guys again on this one!!

Alrighty everybody have a great night ... or day depending on where you are!!

Bethany


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